Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
