I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
