I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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