he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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