I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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