After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
