after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
