Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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