She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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