a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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