he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
