happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
