Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
