if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
