Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
