I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
