I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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