i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
