I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
