there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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