you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
