I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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