The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
