Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
