I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
