So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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