ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
