I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
