so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
