why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Your cock deserves a montage
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
