My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
