I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
