Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
