he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You ate ashes out of my bong
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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