When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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