Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
