Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
