Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
one two three fourrrrnication!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
