It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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