how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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