I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
