i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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