singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
