I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
