Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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