I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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