saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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