When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
