Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
