Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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